shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 7:59 PM
And goodness me, no he's not dead.
I've not seen him since I was 12, that's all.
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 2:34 PM
"Learn To Fly"
When you feel the dream is over,
Feel the world is on your shoulders,
and you've lost the strength to carry on.
Even though the walls may crumble,
And you find you always stumble through,
Remember never to surrender to the dark.
Cos if you turn another page,
You will see that's not the way, The story has to end.
[CHORUS:]
If you need to find a way back,
Feel you're on the wrong track,
Give it time, Learn to fly,
Tomorrow is a new day,
You will find you're own way,
You'll be stronger with each day that you cry,
Then you'll learn to fly.
In you're head so many questions,
The truth is your possession,
The answer lies within your heart.
You will see the doors are open,
If you only dare to hope and you,
Will find the way to fight the fears that kept you down.
Cos if you turn another page,
You will see that's not the way,
The story has to end.
[CHORUS]
Looking at your situation,
There's so much that you can do,
Now's the time to make your stand.
This is just an observation,
In the end it's up to you,
The future's in your hands.
[CHORUS]
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 10:05 PM
Sometimes I really hate about what's going on in my life. Sure heck, Life's not fair but I'm not sure if I even understand the purpose of it all. My life seems like a monotony whereby I tend to oscillate between my highs and lows. When I'm in my 'high' periods, I barely need even 3 hours of sleep per day and I function faster than the Japanese bullet train until it scares even me. I'd do crazy things, thinking I'm on the top of the world (that's what it feels like anyway) n I just feel... I don't know... Invisible. When can you see me like that? When I went on my 15 hours physics revision spree, NJRC every single year, Operation Euphoria, Pledge a book, Sec one Orientation.. And it goes back in time.... I wonder if I should approach a proffessional and get treated for maniac deppression but I just don't want to. I don't want to screw my brain left right upside down. i don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I don't wanna screw my liver anymore than I did in April, I don't want to DO ANYTHING *SCREAMS* I just feel angry with this fucked up world.
I don't know anymore.... I worked my ASS off for my EOY and I don't even think I performed up to how I even WANNA. Sure heck, Chem was okay but my other papers were all HORRORS!!!! Physics was definitely not up to my standards, english felt weird, malay was a total dread(when is it ever not?) and the list goes on. Oh and don't get my started on E math paper 2. I thought I knew what I wanted when I planned to transfer school but people in RS just HAD to remind me what I'm giving up...
Look people, I'M GIVING UP MY FUTURE IF I SACRIFICE FOR YOU GUYS. STOP MAKING ME FEEL MORE GUILTY THAN I ALREADY AM!!!! YOU THINK THIS IS FUCKING EASY FOR ME? I'VE SPENT 3/4 OF MY FUCKING TIME IN SCHOOL DOING THINGS FOR THE SCHOOL, THE STUDENTS, THE TEACHERS AND EVERYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF! IT'S NOT FAIR THAT WHEN I DO WANT TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS AND BE SELFISH FOR ONCE, I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ALL THOSE THAT I'M LEAVING. TO HELL WITH EVERYTHING!!! THIS IS SO NOT GOING TO BE EASY ON ME BUT DON'T MAKE IT HARDER ALRIGHT! I'M JUST SICK OF GIVING BUT RECEIVING NOTHING IN RETURN!!!!!
Some people really need to learn about courtesy, it doesn't hurt to APOLOGISE or say a word of thanks after someone helps you out you know... That's what courtesy is about, the world would be such a nicer place if people were nicer to each other... Oh yeaaa, Syaz stayed over the other night, I think it was on the 10th, she kinda fell out with her mom, oh wellz, I guess the roles have switched aye? I realized something, true friends aren't the people who are there whenever you wanna go to the mall or a shopping spree, true friends are the people who amazingly find themselves next to you when your at the brink of breaking down, lending you a shoulder to cry on and being the pillar of support that you trully need, whenever you need it.
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 8:19 PM
| Your Birthdate: April 6 |
 A birthday on the 6th of the month adds a tone of responsibility, helpfulness, and understanding to your natural inclinations. Those born on the sixth are more apt to be open and honest with everyone, and more caring about family and friends, too. This is a number associated with responsibility and caring - this birthday lends a degree of concern for others. |
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. |
| Your Animal Personality |
 Your Power Animal: Eagle Animal You Were in a Past Life: Whale You are active, a challenger, and optimistic. Hard-working, you are always working towards a set goal. |
| Your Career Type: Social |
 You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy. Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems. You would make an excellent: Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer. |
| Your Hidden Talent |
 You have the power to persuade and influence others. You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around. The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it. Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think! |
| Your Hidden Talent |
 You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words. You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel. People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation. When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers. |
| Your Personality Profile |
 You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first. |
| Your Personality Profile |
 You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
| You Are Balanced - Skeptic - Empowered |
You feel your life is controlled both externally and internally. You have a good sense of what you can control and what you should let go. Depending on the situation, you sometimes try to exert more control. Other times, you accept things for what they are and go with the flow. You are a total skeptic when it comes to luck. You believe that people use luck as a crutch to avoid responsibility. You control your own destiny. The universe has nothing to do with it. You believe everything can be explained - and you tend to over analyze situations. You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order. You realize that working the system does get you further. You know who to defer to and who to control. When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly. |
| Your Inner Child Is Sad |
 You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time. |
| How You Life Your Life |
 You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down. |
| Your IQ Is 100 |
 Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Above Average |
| Your Personality Is |
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours. |
| Your Brain's Pattern |
 Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading. |
| You are a Self-Discoverer |
 You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality. Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine. You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion. You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans. |
| Pepperoni Pizza |
 Robust and dominant. When you go for something, you go full force. You tend to take control of situations easily. And in return, you get a ton of respect. |
| What Your Sleeping Position Says |
You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games. |
| What Your Sleeping Position Says |
You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front. Shy and private, you yearn for security. You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust. |
| You Are 23 Years Old |
 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
| You Are Somewhat Machiavellian |
 You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to! |
| You Are Mexican Food |
 Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you. |
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 2:34 PM
Sometimes I hate myself, I can't trust people, I can't help myself. I just don't know what to do. I wish I did. Can someone please tell me? Talking to him on the phone for these past few days has made me feel worse. Retribution is coming back to me, smacking me with a huge boulder right into my face. Now I know what Ika and the rest felt like in April. He said that he wanted to pass me a book, a book about his other half. He thinks that I'll be able to help. But I don't know how. He helped me out last time and yet, I'm HELPLESS to help him. I'm helpless to return the favour. Even though he may have dissappeared from my life for a point of time. If he didn't, I imagine that he'd still be my teacher, I would never have met leo, lu or derick. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It seems that each path that you take leads you to a different one. Sometimes you lose, sometimes you gain. I just didn't expect him to leave and cause me to lose another friend as well, S. Haish. He rilli hurt her badly, L and me too. They both hate him now. I feel like I'm the only one left to handle him and even then, a part of me is scared to be hurt again by lies and deceit. Lying about a lie. Instinct tells me to hold on cos diz guy really needs help. My heart isn't that sure. I really pray that he'd find the light soon. Haiz...
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 11:06 PM
Running, there you are,
Running from me, from yourself
Each time you come to me,
You ask for my help,
Yet...
You throw it all back to my face
I don't get you anymore,
I swear I tried my best
But whatever I do,
It's not helping you is it?
Or you wouldn't have tried suicide
I'm sorry if I'm not a better friend,
I'm sorry I couldn't help
But can't you see?
It's not up to me
You have to live life yourself
I can guide you if you need me to,
I can be a listening ear,
But I can't take away the pain that you feel inside
Cos it's up to you my dear
Can't you see? Those scars on your hand?
They're making me real scared,
Sure heck, everyone has problems
But running isn't a solution.
Can't you read from my eyes?
See how sad I am
Please don't do this to yourself,
It's making me cry
Cos I know, I can't help
I wish I could...
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 8:40 PM
Da fam's getting more n more complicated each day. Smtms I juz don't understand. I try to but it fails. Oh well, too bad then. I should just get over it and live on right? No point spoiling my mood over things that can't be help. Gosh I wish things were that EASY! Sometimes I wish I won't think soo much! Hmmm. I think I should use tie cutting with some people. After all, they're outta my life now... I shouldn't be thinking about things like that. =) Will get Ludo's advice on this... Hmm.. Wonder if he'll allow... =S Oh well... I guezz I hafta call him later yarhx? That means tt i hafta get my bigg butt off my comp chair... n head to mah room... cos my aunt go buy me a study lamp wif a FLORESCENT light! =.=" how to study like that sial?! SHeesh! Study in room betta! Nanti mata I rosak!
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 6:23 PM
The only thing that's really memorable is FRIDAY. It had a TERRIBLE ending but the evening was really good. Cos me and syawalia celebrated Syaz B'dae! Whoots! My darling's finally 15! Haha! Had chem lessons wif Fairuz, THANKS ALOT! Then rushed home, shit happened, went outta da house, yadayada met up wif Syawalia yadayada, got da cake etc went to this place get ready... Guess what? SYAWALIA FORGOT TO BUY KNIFE! How to cut the cake like that?! So... hmmm, syasya went to fetch syaz, called me halfway, get ready da candles... Den dat gal din gimme enuff time to light everything up ferz... =( So da cake lambat get ready. Sang Syaz a b'dae song, cut da cake, ate, crapped, chatted =) N den we went back home. Syaz's expression was a treat when she saw the cake =) Well, I'm happy she enjoyed it yea? Even tho' it was kinda budget! LoLx! Things turned out well, SURPRISINGLY well! =D Den my stepdad called, started screamin into my ear... Malas nak layan. So I hung up on him n den I muttered "Ur not my father for fuck's sake" Syaz and syasya juz stared at me. LoLx! They shud b used to it by now... Syaz lent me her S.S. notes went home... Studied till 2am. Woke up da next day... Fought with my mom. Went for da mock paper... Etc... Galz came over... Helped syaz wif her art work... Fell asleep at 6.30pm woke up today at... 9.30 am? Blah blah blee blee.
Hishk. I'm wondering if I should even continue blogging. =S
There's some stuff which I think are betta kept in my head. Some stuff dat are betta off not shared... I dunno... I'm just confused.
shir [What's the worst thing I could say?] 10:39 PM
